Here I am

Here I am sitting in my room, waiting...for what? I don't even know, but I am. Waiting for a new day, waiting for a new moment, even though I already know tomorrow will be just the same as today. Let's not be nihilistic! I might meet new faces, or bump into some of the old, but hey. Down to the backbone of tomorrow, I'm going to work, from 10 to 4 like every other sunday. I'm going to sweep, mop, prepare peppers and cheese, bake bread, and clean + restock a bar. This a routine I've been undergoing for a while. It's not bad, I'm not complaining about my job. Personally I don't find it that challenging and as boring as that is, I don't mind it. I'm just pointing out the facts that tomorrow, will be like every other sunday I've spent at this restaurant. I find that it's like that with everything; school, home, even going places with public transport. Even though there is something new happening every time it still feels just as bland as it ever did. It makes me wonder though..."Why?" Why must our lives all rotate around the same lifestyle. Unless you're clinically insane or homeless. When you have a generally "normal" life you do the same stuff. Even going out with the people you like seems to get generic after a while. Why couldn't life be a new adventure every day? This question scares me, and my mind seems to already find it ridiculous. I don't know why, but it does, and I'm sure yours does too. Think to yourself; Tomorrow, you wont go into work, without telling your boss. But you will drive to a place you used to go to a child, and you'll do what you did there are a child. Whether it's play soccer, or fly a kite. Forget about the adult world and just live like you used to, happy go lucky, and not a care in the world. If you have the guts, do it, leave or send me a message telling me how it went. As for me...I have a cardboard cut out future to maintain and create, and fear seems to always have me on edge.

Blood of the Rapist

Oh if I could, if I could I'd paint these walls crimson red It's been to long, I've grown too tired. I'm fed up, and have been for a while, anyone reading what I've written would know this, but this fatigue in my head really does make me wish they were dead. I have no family, I have only friends to consider that. There is no one but me in this universe, a lone walker, drifting to insanity, waiting for the day when he grows the balls to actually leave or pull the trigger. If I could, if I could I'd paint these walls with a fresh coat Have you ever gotten to the point where you wanted to beat the living life out of someone? Literally lose your mind on someone and beat them until your fists are full of blood from their mangled face? I wish I could, I've been pushed to that point on so many levels and I don't even know any more. I've suppressed my emotion of anger for so long by just hiding from everyone, basically deleting them from my life and pretending they exist. The fast hi's and bye's but no real conversation...even if one would happen to happen, I'm sure no words would be understood and it would lead to an opinion based war of who's right and who's wrong. I've grown into my own monster I've grown into my own beast A walking Frankenstein Wolfman ready to be put to sleep. I've become hateful and bitter, I've become selfish and rotten, I've become solitary and restless. All I want is to have these people gone, All I want is to disappear myself. Oh if I could, if I could I'd paint these fucking walls with the blood of the rapist.

Time

Oh what it would be, to be still fifteen. All those memories seemed to haunt me, regret followed them around as I realised how ridiculous all the things I had done and said were. Not even a year later I see anything I had done as a bad thing. No matter how embarrassing or immature anything I had done was. I remember this time back in grade 7, I didn't have many friends during the school year, but when I went to summer school I found some buddies that introduced me to music. We used to jam in front of the school or on the second level of a parking garage that wasn't used at the mall, going there almost everyday together. Hell, the ridiculous adventures I had gone through with these guys had to have been the most exciting and adventurous time of my life. Now, fast forward not even five years, and see that out of all the people I've met in my young adolescence, these guys and I still jam but in bands and in studios. I know it doesn't seem long five years, but it feels like my whole life, and life itself had altered. Perspectives changing, ideas flowing, so much change in no time at all. My feels completely different as if I went from being a child to an adult. As I read what my past self had written, I see dark places yet...standard places. There's always some kid in your grade growing up who's "darker" than most. And in this assimilation becomes a philosophy! A theory that I've created, that every single human being is the same. A duplicate of one another. People say reincarnation but what do they REALLY mean by that? Now dont start thinking that this is going to become one of those entertaining theory mystery shows, but just a philosophical clockwork that my mind had created. Every human lives through experiences, generally the same. Even though choices are made throughout a humans life such as...ah never mind. My mind rambles and my body yearns for rest. Forget my ghostly thoughts. Mike-

The State of Why

People ask why I smoke, People ask why I do drugs, People ask why I drink, Why do I obsess myself with these forms of entertainment that prohibit me from being "myself". Well, let me answer this mind boggling question as honestly as I can. I seem to have this concept of man in my head. How man is not truly man at the state that is. Man is bewildered by what it's created. It's created itself, as it is today. What's on TV, what's on the airwaves, what's in our schools, what our politicians are saying. It all dawned on our old cave wondering relative, it all became his cause. The science we've put into it, the progression we have made...for what? People have become selfish, greedy, hateful things. No longer is every man entitled to life, but every man is entitled to a chance at creating his life. Life is the basic action, of living. What does it take to be living? Shelter, nutrition, and socialization. Yet what have we become? Slaving, to acquire manufactured currency, to buy bullshit products made cheap and sold expensive. Why? What for? Everyone seems to have a new itch to be scratched all the time, hardly anybody can just see the good and enjoy. Now, you may be thinking that's highly hypocritical of me to say that, due to I complain, and dislike so many things. But that doesn't mean I don't see the beauty in life, I just don't know how you're supposed to obtain it. "But it means something different to everyone else." The only reason it does is because we've been told it has. There's no physical proof of "the good in life" you have to find it yourself. Yet recently the only thing people have been able to find is; parties, celebrities who know they're better than everyone else, and being the best guy at the party. And that last point brings me to my next one. The reason why everyone is the way they are. The reason why everyone is so materialistic, and self obsessed. Is because that's their true happiness. To be surrounded with material goods that others have yet to posses. For example: Jim pre ordered the Iphone 5, his friend Mat wishes he did, he only has an Iphone 4S. Now, let's analyse this. The reason Jim may be buying this new product could be for it's technological advances and modernisation, the subconscious reason is because; the NEW Iphone is what everyone wants, not everyone has it yet, Jim wants to be one of the first so that everyone runs to him asking to see it/use it. Mat on the other hand wants to upgrade his phone so that he too can attract a community to take liking to him due to this product. Products control humans in the sense that without what's "in", you're definitely not and people will take a disliking to you. Or you wont fit in as well. Which will make you feel unhappy. I don't see the point in having the newest model, or wearing people or company names across my body. I have no one to impress, I have no judges. People can't have their opinion on me and the way I am, which is fine. But I show no interest in it. Food, one of the most important and best tasting things in our lives. Has become more of a "gasoline for humans" rather than a tasty refreshment. We ate food not only because we need it to live, but to savour the flavours and textures. Lately, people, and even I myself have been consuming food to keep themselves going. Just to give them that extra push they need for them to complete the rest of their day. No one takes the time to just look at the sun, or the trees, people listen to their music on the go just so that the city sounds don't bring them more down than they already are. I smoke because I can't be high all the time. Because no matter what I believe, no matter how shitty I think our ways have become, I still have to make due. The smart way, so that I, and the people I LOVE can make the best of it. I do drugs, so I can escape this painted picture of happiness. So I can take off the smiley face that's been taped to my mouth. So that I can actually FEEL for once. I drink, to forget. To forget about boundaries and laws. To forget about stupidity, by becoming the stupid. It's my one way ticket to being retarded, just so even I, the one that rejects our way of life, can fit in. So I too, can get the inside joke everyone is laughing about, and all I'm getting is the quiet snickering. I am no different from you, or anyone else. I am human. I enjoy, I hate, I cry, I lose my temper, I take dumps and piss as I please. Except I see what everyone has so much trouble seeing. And that's one the hardest things to ever live with...

It would be nice.

I miss being angry all the time I hate giving a shit about people or things I wish I could not give a fuck still, Just throw all my shit around, piss in the corner, and light some crack whore on fire I miss it. I miss being free. I miss being pissed, and writing music because I'm pissed. Now I just accept everything the way it is. And go forth with this pathetic ant life. I wish I could watch the world end. -- Things aren't the same any more. Things have changed. I've gotten a job, a big step I guess..It's not that hard of a task, a lot of manual labour, but it's better than being stuck behind a desk, gazing into a screen. Making money feels good, anyone could agree with me on that. Seeing those digits go from two, to three, to four. It's a beautiful sight. Although... I can't seem to think things through. Its been a while since I've last visited here. Sometimes in June I think it was, although I left a message about how I don't feel human any more. Just a machine going, doing his daily routine, and then closing it's eyes and recharging. I still feel that, feels like shit, but I guess this is how it's supposed to be...right? I haven't seem to see it any other way, no one really talks about how they personally feel. Everyone I work with or know, even if I can consider them a friends, has vaguely or not told me about how they feel as a human being. I feel like a computer processing thoughts, and a meat machine, keeping it'self alive through survival, which now a days, is going to work, making money, and feeding yourself. (Even though people abuse that) As much as it feels good not to be so pissed off at everything all the time I somewhat miss it. I used to be pissed at everything and everyone, didn't need anyone's help or guidance, I was on my own. Whenever I felt down I smoked grass and felt better. Even if it made me feel numb to the world around me, it felt good to feel numb. I feel too much now. I worry, I get upset or angry at things that people do. I used to not care, about anything! What happened? I can't lie when I say I really do want to see the world end. I want to see what people do. Will they come together? Or fall farther apart? Even though I'd like to see it, that's something I can say I don't care about. That's another thing! Everyone doesn't care about the same shit. It's as if we're forced to not give a fuck about certain things and then get super crazy touched and emotional (or offended) by others. That's where my little rebel still lives. In my music. I still write about getting fucked up, drugged, drunk, raped, whatever. Even though I don't get as fucked up as I used to, and I think rape is terrible. Why do I do it then? Have I sold out? Do I just do it to get attention and have my music sell? NO. Get attention maybe, but I want people to know that it's okay to talk about certain things even if it's not something agreeable, let people know that it's out there, it's real. Not some awareness shit but.....ahh..whatever. Look at me rambling. I guess this is my nervous tick, get anxious or whatever and come here to write. It's what I've always done, probably all I will do until my body decides to shut down on me. I'm overtired, overworked, malnourished, and am not ready for the slightest change for the worse in my life. I can't take shit any more. I've become one of them, I've become the machine.

Going blind.

I seem to be going blind. Well not actually. I'm writing this whole thing a little too far from the screen and I'm not wearing my glasses or contacts. This blog post has no topic, no specifics, just me writing, for the sake of writing. So, I've come to feel that I dont feel. A depersonalized figure that waltzs around until some sort of end comes too him. Let me tell you, it's pretty shitty. I dont even know whats going on right now. All I know is that I want to be where I am, because of a sense of comfort and a sense of knowing that the person I am with is still the person I wish to remain with. The one line that stuck out to me was: "It's completely irrelevant once written." And it's so true. Once something is written it is comepletely useless. The thought in your mind is dead, a dead dream that once was. Nothing is relevant. I miss you, and I dont know whay I just wrote that...fuck...I wasn't even looking at the screen when that came out and it was folloed by a "woah" Ps: I cheated I read the screen abit, typos really do piss me off on easy words. I feel as if I cant get to you anymnore. because of the fact that Icant get to myself. My mind works like a charm it writes, it reads, it intakes input, but gives no emotion. Could it be that I have become the machine I was always against? I have finally become the robot I was sworn never to become. I can't sleep well, I dont sleep. I just lie, with my eyes close and recharge llike a fuckjing cellphone. I can't really understand the difference between life and death. death is eternal rest. and life is just blind minded walking. and It's true, I'm in the juice. I don't know, I don't know. aybe it's cause I'm over tired and havent slept properly in months, maybe it's cause I'm sad, and all of this shit is just getting to me. Or maybe it's because my mind has taken over, and my emotions have all died. I'm scared...really scared. That's the only thing I feel, it's fear. I need help, but the only one who can...is myself. -Mike

The Big Finale

It seems as if I grow closer to my big finale, my great end. Coward like, I am very aware, although it seems nice. To finally be able to rest, and just sleep, eternally. Lately I've been getting worse again, lost in thoughts, unable to live properly. I can't do it. I can't take it any more. It wouldn't be so bad if the pain I have only affected me, but the people I love. These innocent people on the sidelines of my life are getting affected, and it hurts so much. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want anyone to be hurt because of me. My pain happens to be here because of others, and now I'm doing the same as they did to me. Please, I just want out. I just want this all to end. I'm tired of drugs, they mask this pain. I'm tired of anger that redirects it all. I need justice, to be brought to justice. I need release and freedom, I just want to be happy, and want you to be happy. You mean everything to me, and all I see myself doing is fucking everything up...

Stupid people are stupid.

Stupid people are stupid. Nuff said .

Thoughts

I'm so tired. I've been walking for days, the sores and blisters on my feet are beginning to bleed and I can feel their pain. I'm trapped, in a vicious circle of torment, where my mind focuses only on the negative shit that passes through my peripheral. It's so exhausting, to just hate and shun everything, while you see people enjoying everything coming their way. What are they doing, that I'm not? What can't I get? I want to know their secret.

Thoughts of breaking the chain run through my head. I want to break loose, get out of this everyday routine. I want to be able to do something and say "I truly enjoyed doing that". Something, do something, alone. When it involves someone, yes it's amazing but then once you can't see that person, or that person disappears you have nothing left to hold on to.

This World

Our planet, it came with so many questions. How did it get here? Where did it come from? But most importantly, what is everything? There is a simple answer to this question, and the is that; nothing is everything, and everything is nothing.

Everything we know is unexplainable, apart from how we go living our day to day lives. Although, outside of this materialistic first world blind fold, how is human life valued? For example: in our society, when you're a child you go to school, then once you finish all education you go to work (hopefully a career you enjoy since you're going to be doing it for a while), in the midst of you working you have expenses to pay off, a family to feed maybe. You basically live life the way you want until you're too old to work, thus allowing you to retire. That's our system, our "game", the game that you can never win, and never lose, all that you can do is hope that you get a good hand while you're at the table.

Now lets think about 3rd world countries. They have to go through famine, wars, and poverty. Is this the REAL world? Is this what humanity would look like if someone who wasn't responsible enough would step up to par and say; "Hey, I think I can handle taking care of a bunch of people like a daycare." I'm not really sure, but the answer seems plausible.

Now lets skip away from "the system" and move on to humans. Human beings, the smartest species ever to be found...by ourselves. We eventually figured we were the only things on this planet that could think straight. Let's think of our world as humans. We're all humans, everyone that looks like us, or works like us are technically humans. Just because of a certain ethnicity, it has no impact on whether or not someone is human. Race, it's a word I hate. Why? Because we're not a different race from one another. If one being can learn, read, write, work, love, hate, cry, just like the other, in what way does that make them a different race? A dog is a different race, they can't speak. They chase their tails and lick their balls. We don't have tails, but hey if we could lick our balls, we probably would.

My point is, people kill each other over "race" and over materialistic things. Why? How could someone take another life because of things, simple things. Reason, my friends, reason. There is no reason. We are here, out of no where, we have no purpose. Just to remain occupied until we die. Or else we all kill ourselves.

(ran out of meat for the text, but i just dont care it's fucking 2:20 in the morning)

Baaaaah

At this momment I don’t even know anymore. I used to think things, but once viewed in a different dirrection I see things differently. The governent takes all, why fight? Why not indulge on lifes oddities whether them being good for you or not? I do not support anything, nothing but freedom. The freedom to think freely. That’s the only thing us humans have left. Think freely. Everything else is supressed or chained down now. All just sheep closed off in a fence. There are no black sheep or white sheep, only different level intensities of being a sheep. Everyone is a sheep, like it or not. Have you ever watched tv? Have you ever bought something that a billboard told you about? Probably so. Thus making you a sheep. Ever see something on the news (not local) and believed it. Something politcal and followed it? SHEEP. I am a sheep, you are a sheep, WE are sheeple. And we will keep on walking to different plains to feast on the grass that is grown for us. The plain may seem giant but there is a fence. It’s barbed and electric and scary looking. That’s why we choose never to go near it or even think that it doesn’t exist. The game is rigged, but the dice is rolled. Now sit down, shut up, and do what you’re told.

BAAH

Real Thoughts

Politicians look like actors, while waiting, posing, and getting make-upped for the cameras. These are not real people, these are aliens enforcing ideas through mere pawns. They make our life. They decide out fate. Everything around us is planned, every outcome staged. The people responsible are not people. They are soulless, careless, manikins killing the innocent. Like a play on a stage. "Terrorists" are victims, targets of blame. A chosen leader to care of the ant farm. Our minds used to be able to make things levitate, so they say. Does that make us now any dumber? Did it ever even happen? We are ruled by people who are ruled themselves. Not by men, but by faceless demons. Celebrities think they're in the game too. But all they're doing is attracting everyone's attention, they're puppets to the real puppeteers of this small, small, toy box world we live in; "What do you want? Paper or plastic? Large or small? Fries or Onion rings?" We're all just mice in a maze, cool cats in a daze, and ruled by ghosts.

-I wrote this last night as I was watching the film "Fahrenheit 9/11" directed by Michael Moore. I was high at the time, so my mind could truly think freely for a second. Not that I need to be high to think freely, but makes things, revelations hit you harder. You understand even more clear. Anyway, like it or not, there it is.

Something in the way...

I'm sitting here listening to Nirvana's "Something in the way", it's been in my head all day and all I can do is think about it. I tried to sleep earlier between 10:30 and 11:30, then I had no choice but to get up and write. My mind was flowing at rates I can't even describe. I was on the phone with my girlfriend earlier and we spoke about my thoughts. I told her it's as if I'm looking up at starts on a glowing golden hammock/spider web like thing. Then I slowly start sinking deeper, and deeper down until the ropes give in and I'm falling/floating down this tunnel of clouded energy and thoughts, watching moments of my life flash before my eyes, then even things I want/am getting accomplished in the near future. This is all probably normal, thinking is thinking. Everyone does it, just to different extents maybe? I know that I over think things sometimes, even most of the times, but I got over, over thinking to the point of despair. Now I just indulge in this mind fucking, hallucinogenic meditation. Thing is, sometimes I think to the pint where my head starts to hurt. This happens pretty often, and this could be over the most minor thought. I was thinking about my parents, and life at home. How it reminded me of a boarding home, where I just rent a room, eat the food, and use the utilities. No one really talks to each other, but it's fine! I'm completely 100% okay with it. You get used to it over a certain number of years. I wish it could be different, but whatever, things are what they are, make the best of them. To be honest, living like this has motivated me even more to want to achieve enough cash and hope to get my own place. I know it's a little early to be talking about it, but hell it's something to look forward too, the responsibility seems like something I'd like to keep me busy.

If you're looking for the whole point to this post, I can't give you an answer. Hell in my last post I explained how I'm not the same any more. Something inside my noggin snapped, broke, died. I don't know, but it's not the same as it once was...in a good way. I see things more clearly now, in a sense of opinions, morals, and everything else that we seemed to have created in our little meaningless lives. Maybe the whole point to me writing is just writing! So much boggling my mind I can't even put it into words. So I just pop the bulging sack of thoughts and let them spill out like paint on a canvas. I don't have to try and paint the picture, but let whatever's going on paint it for me. Maybe you'll be able to see it, maybe you wont, who cares.

I've been writing for a solid half an hour, still thoughts flying, still fingers typing. I feel as if the pressure on my head has went down more than when I started typing. It guess this is just a way out, a way of letting my thoughts breathe, instead of being trapped in a confined place. Which is pretty ironic, because the mind is endless, yet it feels like there's no more space in there sometimes.

I've been thinking pretty deeply since last period of school today, I was talking to one of my acquaintances(and I call them that, because I can't truly consider them a friend, only someone I know.) about how people make the biggest deal out of their lives, when there's no big point in doing that. Everything is important to the point if something goes wrong, they carry it with them, expecting to go back in time and fix things. Life's too short to dwell, just got to keep moving like it never happened...as hard as it is sometimes...and yes that's coming from personal experience. I am a hypocrite, but I can't do much about that, but try and fix the issue within myself by myself. Whatever, so I was explaining how nothing really matters, we're really small compared to what we think we are, et. She looked really puzzled and perplexed, but I saw that she started thinking, to the point where it bugged her. I then thought to myself; "Did I just make someone more aware? Or give them this curse?". A question, just like every other one I ask myself.

Thinking is a blessing, for you can understand things on your own. Though it is a curse, because it just wont leave you alone.

Always that something in the way.....