Monday, August 13, 2012
I miss being angry all the time I hate giving a shit about people or things I wish I could not give a fuck still, Just throw all my shit around, piss in the corner, and light some crack whore on fire I miss it. I miss being free. I miss being pissed, and writing music because I'm pissed. Now I just accept everything the way it is. And go forth with this pathetic ant life. I wish I could watch the world end. -- Things aren't the same any more. Things have changed. I've gotten a job, a big step I guess..It's not that hard of a task, a lot of manual labour, but it's better than being stuck behind a desk, gazing into a screen. Making money feels good, anyone could agree with me on that. Seeing those digits go from two, to three, to four. It's a beautiful sight. Although... I can't seem to think things through. Its been a while since I've last visited here. Sometimes in June I think it was, although I left a message about how I don't feel human any more. Just a machine going, doing his daily routine, and then closing it's eyes and recharging. I still feel that, feels like shit, but I guess this is how it's supposed to be...right? I haven't seem to see it any other way, no one really talks about how they personally feel. Everyone I work with or know, even if I can consider them a friends, has vaguely or not told me about how they feel as a human being. I feel like a computer processing thoughts, and a meat machine, keeping it'self alive through survival, which now a days, is going to work, making money, and feeding yourself. (Even though people abuse that) As much as it feels good not to be so pissed off at everything all the time I somewhat miss it. I used to be pissed at everything and everyone, didn't need anyone's help or guidance, I was on my own. Whenever I felt down I smoked grass and felt better. Even if it made me feel numb to the world around me, it felt good to feel numb. I feel too much now. I worry, I get upset or angry at things that people do. I used to not care, about anything! What happened? I can't lie when I say I really do want to see the world end. I want to see what people do. Will they come together? Or fall farther apart? Even though I'd like to see it, that's something I can say I don't care about. That's another thing! Everyone doesn't care about the same shit. It's as if we're forced to not give a fuck about certain things and then get super crazy touched and emotional (or offended) by others. That's where my little rebel still lives. In my music. I still write about getting fucked up, drugged, drunk, raped, whatever. Even though I don't get as fucked up as I used to, and I think rape is terrible. Why do I do it then? Have I sold out? Do I just do it to get attention and have my music sell? NO. Get attention maybe, but I want people to know that it's okay to talk about certain things even if it's not something agreeable, let people know that it's out there, it's real. Not some awareness shit but.....ahh..whatever. Look at me rambling. I guess this is my nervous tick, get anxious or whatever and come here to write. It's what I've always done, probably all I will do until my body decides to shut down on me. I'm overtired, overworked, malnourished, and am not ready for the slightest change for the worse in my life. I can't take shit any more. I've become one of them, I've become the machine.