Thursday, January 12, 2012

Something in the way...

I'm sitting here listening to Nirvana's "Something in the way", it's been in my head all day and all I can do is think about it. I tried to sleep earlier between 10:30 and 11:30, then I had no choice but to get up and write. My mind was flowing at rates I can't even describe. I was on the phone with my girlfriend earlier and we spoke about my thoughts. I told her it's as if I'm looking up at starts on a glowing golden hammock/spider web like thing. Then I slowly start sinking deeper, and deeper down until the ropes give in and I'm falling/floating down this tunnel of clouded energy and thoughts, watching moments of my life flash before my eyes, then even things I want/am getting accomplished in the near future. This is all probably normal, thinking is thinking. Everyone does it, just to different extents maybe? I know that I over think things sometimes, even most of the times, but I got over, over thinking to the point of despair. Now I just indulge in this mind fucking, hallucinogenic meditation. Thing is, sometimes I think to the pint where my head starts to hurt. This happens pretty often, and this could be over the most minor thought. I was thinking about my parents, and life at home. How it reminded me of a boarding home, where I just rent a room, eat the food, and use the utilities. No one really talks to each other, but it's fine! I'm completely 100% okay with it. You get used to it over a certain number of years. I wish it could be different, but whatever, things are what they are, make the best of them. To be honest, living like this has motivated me even more to want to achieve enough cash and hope to get my own place. I know it's a little early to be talking about it, but hell it's something to look forward too, the responsibility seems like something I'd like to keep me busy.

If you're looking for the whole point to this post, I can't give you an answer. Hell in my last post I explained how I'm not the same any more. Something inside my noggin snapped, broke, died. I don't know, but it's not the same as it once a good way. I see things more clearly now, in a sense of opinions, morals, and everything else that we seemed to have created in our little meaningless lives. Maybe the whole point to me writing is just writing! So much boggling my mind I can't even put it into words. So I just pop the bulging sack of thoughts and let them spill out like paint on a canvas. I don't have to try and paint the picture, but let whatever's going on paint it for me. Maybe you'll be able to see it, maybe you wont, who cares.

I've been writing for a solid half an hour, still thoughts flying, still fingers typing. I feel as if the pressure on my head has went down more than when I started typing. It guess this is just a way out, a way of letting my thoughts breathe, instead of being trapped in a confined place. Which is pretty ironic, because the mind is endless, yet it feels like there's no more space in there sometimes.

I've been thinking pretty deeply since last period of school today, I was talking to one of my acquaintances(and I call them that, because I can't truly consider them a friend, only someone I know.) about how people make the biggest deal out of their lives, when there's no big point in doing that. Everything is important to the point if something goes wrong, they carry it with them, expecting to go back in time and fix things. Life's too short to dwell, just got to keep moving like it never hard as it is sometimes...and yes that's coming from personal experience. I am a hypocrite, but I can't do much about that, but try and fix the issue within myself by myself. Whatever, so I was explaining how nothing really matters, we're really small compared to what we think we are, et. She looked really puzzled and perplexed, but I saw that she started thinking, to the point where it bugged her. I then thought to myself; "Did I just make someone more aware? Or give them this curse?". A question, just like every other one I ask myself.

Thinking is a blessing, for you can understand things on your own. Though it is a curse, because it just wont leave you alone.

Always that something in the way.....

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