Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Me...

Hello everybody...
Today, I'm here to talk about myself...I know I'm nothing special and nothing to be talked about in general, but if you read the little writing under my header, you will clearly see that this site is for things that bug me and things that I dislike. So honestly, I fit right into this site, because if there is one thing I hate more than anything and would want to change completely, it's myself.

When I'm with friends, it's pretty hard to notice how much I'm hurting. Actually, I never show it in public. Although, there are a couple of close friends that know. That know how I really feel. No matter how stupid and funny I act on the outside. I feel dead and empty on the inside. Like a nut. On the outside the shell may seem nice, but once cracked open. You notice it was a bad nut.

I'm not smart, I'm not intelligent. If i even looked at a certain math problem I probably wouldn't be able to figure it out. All I am to myself is a shadow. Following a giant crowd of happy people. Trying to fit in, but for some reason it doesn't feel right.

I know I can be bitter, and I sometimes am to the people that care about me. So I apologize for that.

I honestly don't know what's making me so miserable. Life itself is just weighing on my shoulders, and I have to balance out everything that comes with it. I'm no circus clown. I wish that I could just drop all these plates. Live life easily, even though I know that's pretty impossible.

I've been neglected by my parents a lot in life. When ever they used to argue I was the one to get the after math. Now that they are separated they attempt to fix their mistake, and make me see that they really love me. Although they have chip a cup that cannot be fixed. This piece inside me. Missing. They say they love me. All I see is the past. The yelling, the arguments. Maybe that's why I'm so angry, and my anger is causing me sorrow. Both of those could be leading up to misery and depression. This is just a theory. There is so much more in my life that could have caused this.

Lately I haven't been wanting to get out of bed. There is no reason for me too. School seemed as a joke. I know that it would only bring me down even worse. Maybe I need a psychiatrist maybe I need pills to make me feel better, you know what I say to that? Fuck that. I don't need help to get better. I know there is something wrong with me. Deep inside, behind these bones, lies a pain which seems to grow.

Another reason that could be making me lead up to this feeling of sadness. Could be that I don't let out any of my feelings. I keep them bottled in. Then, they just start to over flow. Causing an uncontrollable amount of explosion of emotions. Maybe I'm in the stage of me ready to pop. Burst out in tears. Ready to fall...

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me...
When I look in the mirror, I see a broken person, and I hate what I see...
I hope this wound one day mends, to make me whole and stand as one again.
Because right now I'm just a puppet with no strings. I sit upon a counter top waiting for life to move. To do something. Yet I'm stuck waiting here...wondering when things will ever come. I feel as if this relieved a bit of presure. So maybe it was a good idea to write this here.
Anyways...

Call me emo, call me whatever you want...
Because this hurts...
And I'm pretty sure that nothing else would penetrate this pain to make it worse...

Mike-

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